To the matter [of the TBS showdown]

To the matter [of the TBS showdown] - Salami II (75 Powell)

The 73-set players started arriving and I am sure I felt a lump in my throat after seeing how fit some of them looked. Being a very sharp small-boy at GCI, I thought that our set should start praying but I saw that they also had Pastors on their side. Okay, maybe pray for rain…but the Sun shone even brighter. I then proceeded to “dobale” to Ojay [Ojo, T.], Otegbeye and Slow [Akande, I.] thinking that that would appease them and they would take it easy on us. The 73-boys weren’t having any of that and they proceeded to start practising their bowling and batting.

At this point I was greatly discouraged as I heard SLOW speaking to his team in technical terms and I tried to remind them that this was some sort of “charity match”. Awon boys did not even “send”. Being a sharper graduate of GCI, I thought the next best thing to do was to take “selfies” with our team before the match so that we would have a record of ourselves before the pending apocalyptic event. I have attached a couple. (NB: if there are any shakes in the pictures, that is proof of how scared we were!)

I believe Okon [Ogunsina, A.] and Adenuga [B.] planned that the match would be a walk-over as the 75-set were told to turn up at 9:30am and the 73-set at 12:30pm. Unfortunately for us, the 73-boys were well represented at the start but some of them still came into the match even later with excuses like, “I couldn’t find my white socks” or “there was no water in BUSHY”. Leke Oyinlola (Churi) came with his full kit and white shoes, Atombe [Adeyemo, J] showed up in full gear, Ojay and Slow looked like they had just finished an Ashes tour in Pakistan, Otegbeye was intimidating in his lime-green/black outfit and then DAPOW, yes, Adedapo Ajayi showed up in his white buba and sokoto. I knew we were going to lose badly!

Our 75-line-up wasn’t too bad but there was one issue; ALL OF US WERE POWELL HOUSE BOYS save one Carr house boy. I do not remember the words SPORTS and POWELL ever in the same sentence! We were now doomed but Okon still encouraged us, reminding us that he played cricket at some state-level. OKON, show us your cricket certificate! I do not remember any pep-talk from OKON or Adenuga before the match but I distinctly remember OKON saying that there was going to be FOOD and GRILLED CHICKEN with DRINKS after the match. That was enough encouragement for most of the 75-team to play the game.

OROS [Osunsade, K.] finally proceeded to change, I started stretching (yes, I stretched my white polo shirt so it would fit over my 3-month pregnancy), Yele Delano agreed to play, Dayo Fagbulu was feigning blindness (he said something like his glasses also needed glasses), FRAGBA was asking “how many people a side?”, AZUDUDU (Ayodeji Oladimeji) was looking too slim to be intimidating but keen to play, OKON and ADENUGA were still busy trying to ingest the STEROIDS that Larry (Idowu Akinlolu) had engineered into the water.The sun shone even brighter and then a dark figure emerged from the car park, DIEKOLA ADEKOLA, MY BOY, yes my boy from GCI, same family, same “TEOR” - this word “TEOR” is still not in the English dictionary. Is it Yoruba or Ibo. Anyway, my boy shows up looking like a MOVING MACK TRUCK; oh boy, did DIEH-KAY swallow a FRIDGE for breakfast. At last, there was a chance that we would make a dent on the match score-sheet.

The match commenced with the OLDER BOYS batting and the younger OLD BOYS bowli…er, well sort of bowling but it was more like throwing, stoning with AKIN FRANK AKINTOYE (formerly known as Fragba) creating a few new bowling records for the Guinness book of records. After watching Akintoye, Idowu Larry and Okon bowl, I knew that I could not do any worse and so I offered my services to bowl for the first time in about 39 years. I started hearing the “CHARIOTS OF FIRE" tune in my head once OKON agreed that I should bowl. This was it! I was born to do this!!

And so I proceeded to do what I had seen countless times on TV, rub the ball against my shirt, tilt head slightly to gauge the wind, run, extend hand to the back to get a good swing, put a wrist-twist on the ball at the last minute and gracefully let the ball fly. It worked, yes it worked but as I let the ball fly, I heard some muscles I never knew I had in my body talk and yes, they spoke in Yoruba; “wa pade wa n’ile”, translated literarily to “you will meet us at home”. You see I play squash sometimes and I thought I was fit and so I tried to convince myself that I was OK and then let the second ball fly. My muscles started speaking again in IBO but I did not hear as all I heard was Otegbeye’s bat hitting my ball and the sound of rushing wind as the ball went for a “four”. At this point, the “chariots of fire” tune stopped abruptly, my muscles, yes, my own muscles started laughing at me and I had to do a reality check.

I thought it would be better to throw wide balls to end my over and reduce the runs-tally but I was promptly informed that wide-balls would not be counted and one would have to bowl again. With at least 4 more balls to go, I wasn’t feeling in good shape but I could not let “PURPO” or the 75-set down. You see I wasn’t that “sporty” in secondary school and I thought I would be able to re-write history with this match with "awon boys" now regretting that they never fielded me 39 years ago and then I would say something to them like “you should have selected me then”.

That wasn’t going to happen as OTEGBEYE killed another two of my balls and promptly sent them for fours. At this point, my muscles were now singing in EFIK. I was thankful after I discovered that I had finished bowling as I was already having an out-of-the-body experience. My brain was now in cahoots with the rest of the muscles and they were planning to punish me later. I now know why some athletes cheat with Steroids.

Steroids confuse the muscles into being friendly with the athlete so they cannot recruit the other organs in a mutiny which may eventually lead to an eviction. The muscles make you walk-the-plank out of your own body. Anyway, back in the body, I started fielding again and then Yele [Delano] finally agrees to bowl. I wasn’t hopeful as we had initially threatened to deflate only 3 of the 4 tyres on his car before he agreed to play. Yele never played cricket but he looks fit and so he had to bowl.

Yele not only bowled accurately but took out 2 batsmen in one “over”. Yele was my hero. Each time he took out a wicket, we all shouted and ran over to him to give him a high-five. The first time I ran and then gave him two high fives. As I jumped to make up for my height deficiency and so that I do not miss his palms, my muscles spoke again and I realised all the time I was fielding, they had been singing the school song and were on the second verse saying “By our examples and not by precept, show honest labour dignity..” I get it now, they were telling me that Yele was an example of how to be old and fit; watch what you eat ( I watch my food and then eat it too), exercise at least twice a week, sleep well, do not eat late, get your health checks, hydrate your body… "I GET IT, I GET IT”, I told the muscles so at least they would stop singing. The next time I went over to Yele, I gave him a lower high-five and this time with only one palm. I shouted “HOWZAT SIR” louder than everyone else as this was the first time I got to shout it in a real cricket match that I was involved in.

YES, I AKIN SALAMI, was playing cricket with the BIG BOYS.

So that I can wrap up this story, I will now stick to the highlights. The 75-set took over the batting, with our great Captain OKON and his deputy Captain Adenuga being promptly dismissed as soon as they stood in front of the wickets. Akin Akintoye will not let them live today down as they ganged-up against him during his epic record-breaking bowling session. Since OKON and JU were promptly dismissed, I got to bat even before I finished securing my leg pads. As I walked on to the pitch, I was singing “kilo le se Olorun mi..” as I knew that I was in trouble.

SLOW was bowling and I soon discovered that my hind-eye coordination was totally rubbish. I could see SLOW’s balls coming in quite fast and when they got closer, they disappeared. "OTI O!”, I am sure that we said no one was allowed to use JUJU today. "Who is the politician here?”, I thought to myself. SLOW’s balls whizzed past my head and as I write this, I still have the whoosh sounds ringing in both my ears. I managed to block a ball and make ONE run. This is it! I am making history.

My father would be slightly happier in his grave considering he was the GCI athletics captain for 3 years at GCI ! Here I was, making ONE run in my family name. Like they say in Obituaries, “SUN RE O, Daddy!”.

I, Yes I, Akin Salami managed to survive, run a few times in my first ever official cricket match and even opted to let Diekola come in to replace me. The pair of Diekola and Luku Oderinde punished the senior boys but the damage done previously was too much to recover from. At the end, the 75-set tried to “URUBEBE" the results and this time declare a draw, but INEC stood firm and YES, the 73-set were declared winners.

IT is important to note that we later found out that the umpire was related to a few of the 73-set members and the 73-set also recruited mercenaries young enough to be their grandchildren.

And so we all left the pitch to commence the merriment and who shows up? Olusegun Serah Afolabi all pumped up and ready to play!! In tow was his cooler of drinks which on opening looked like a cryogenic chamber with dense ice-clouds slowly rising from the inside. Serah came a bit too early for the rematch and we believe his drinks would be available for the rematch as we hope they would have thawed-out by then. The “whoosh” sounds in my ears have now stopped but I can still hear my muscles, now high from feeding them Ibuprofen, singing in Mandarin. Every little step I take feels like a giant leap as my muscles continue their protest.

It’s now 5:48 am and I have to eat breakfast, Serah’s thawing water and 2 tablets of Ibuprofen to shut my muscles up.

I intend to have my full body back by Monday morning.

I am going back to sleep and then our online church later in the morning, all from the couch (couch selfie included and you can see that I am still wearing the trainers I played in)

Regards

Akin Salami
CEO, OH TV
WRN Broadcast Media Village
Wyvil Court
10 Wyvil Road
London SW8 2TG

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Submitted By: 

SALAMI Akinola
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